Motherhood in 2020
I want to take a little pause in sharing my non-diet thoughts to share some about motherhood in 2020. I wish I could reach out and hug (I’m not even a hugger) all the moms and those who would give anything to be a mom – even during these times. But honestly, would I have enough spoons to do that? I am so tired.
Last fall I wanted to work more. My baby was old enough for preschool, so I signed her up for two. This gave me a few hours each day to work, learn, and focus on self-care. After a heavy two-year period of depression, I was ready for this. With my oldest in 6th grade, this meant that I existed with little ones around me every day for 12 years. It felt like freedom.
Just as I was entering this new (exciting) phase of life, a global pandemic hit. They were all back at home with me, needing to be homeschooled. My husband did 60% of the homeschooling and it was still a lot. My kids’ amazing teachers met with them daily via ZOOM on their public school-issued chrome books and it was still difficult.
Keeping a child with ADHD on task and up to date was exhausting. Our child with Autism, who worked so hard to decrease separation anxiety, felt clingier than ever. Our son never got to finish his last year of elementary or say goodbye to his peers. He is starting junior high with a school full of new kids wearing masks. And my youngest is acting like a teenager because she watches so much YouTube.
On top of homeschool and cancelled events, I have had more heavy conversations with my kids over the last five months than I have in 13 years of motherhood. The purpose of several public health practices, racism, police brutality, three suicides in our community including a fatal domestic violence case, and politics are all important conversations to have with our children - particularly when they ask. Nonetheless, they are grueling.
My kids have many types of privilege and these past five months have been ruthless. There is a piece of me that feels guilty for typing this. But it is honest and that feels cathartic.
While I believe that there is power in positivity, toxic positivity isn’t empowering at all. As mothers, sometimes it feels like we have been conditioned to always look on the bright side. Whether to protect our kids or our image, we tend to only want to talk about the good. I get it.
However, I have learned that embracing the AND in life helps me make room gratitude, helps me practice self-compassion, and gives me the energy I need to keep going.
· I love having them near me because I know they are safe AND I feel suffocated by them.
· I have loved our “relaxed” routines AND know that our metal health does better when we have schedules.
· I understand why some moms are scared to send their kids to school AND I feel safe sending mine.
Discussing life’s hardships in a safe environment is also helpful. The endless struggles in our country are real. The uncertainty feels unbearable. Mothers seem to feel these burdens the deepest. Yes, my kids are going back to school for now – with masks, sanitizer, temp checks, plexiglass, microphones, taped off desks, and cleaning schedules. But if school actually does start back up again, when those first cases arise – we are back to homeschooling. That will be hard, and it will be even harder on the moms who don’t have this option.
For some moms, this whole experience reminds them of post-partum depression. It resembles the PTSD-like emotions they experienced when they couldn’t leave the house because their baby was sick or wouldn’t stop crying. Some moms are more afraid of what happens without school than the coronavirus. And this is important to acknowledge. If you are this mom, I see you.
Talking about the hard parts of motherhood doesn’t subtract from the joy that it brings. I genuinely believe motherhood is a sacred life calling and it’s not all I feel called to do. But it’s really hard to do what I feel called to do; in exactly the way I want to do it right now.
I love what I do, and I need to set limits for me to be the mom my kids need me to be. Working fills my cup and empties my cup. Motherhood does the same. So, I’m doing my best to embrace this time and implement non-negotiable self-care.
If you’re a mom and you’re feeling these things. I get you. Yes, motherhood in 2020 has been tough and so are you and, you don’t have to be tough all the time.